Self Awareness

Self awareness.  A heightened state of being.  Some might fear it, some might be confused by it, some really never perceive it.

Our perception of self awareness should be continually evolving.  My perception of self from 2010 (college graduation) to present day, has indeed evolved, a few times over by now actually.  If I were to sit back and ponder the moments that impacted me, I'd be sitting here for awhile.  That's a good thing though in my eyes.

Patience, and my lack there of.  To any of my dear friends whom were with me along the way growing up, I'd like to believe most would say I was a good guy, maybe a bit of a clown at times but, my heart was in the right place.  I am sure some would recall a bit of a temper, maybe a bit scattered, lacking patience and while I was never ever aggressive, my mood could take odd swings, and sadly I knew this.  Like most hormone raging adolescents, we hopefully get it right in time. 

I am here speaking to my 15-23 year old self, take care of your blood sugars, get your rest, and write your goals down, because it all comes together.  I lived in a delusional state, where I was unwilling to accept that an HBa1c well out of the normal range, poor sleep patterns, and mislead diet choices didn't effect my everyday as long as I hit the gym.  While my attempt at fitness was there from day one, I was severely lacking in the bigger picture.  My Dad was born with the gift of gab.  As much as we're alike, we're also different, and I love him dearly for that.  He's had a few sayings over the years, some I liked, some made my ears hurt, but this one made me laugh for it's tough love and honesty.  

"Son, for the love of god, how many times do I have to say this?  Once you find yourself in a ditch, please stop digging," I got ya Dad, I got ya.

I refused to believe that an average 280 blood sugar reading for the last week was the cause of my health issues and mental fog. I would go back and forth with myself, frustrated with life, and the continuous cramps in my stomach.  I was semi functioning at a less than stellar version of myself.  I was in a continuous state of denial.  I was so terrified of low blood sugar encounters that I'd drive my blood sugar up into the 300's, and for my fellow diabetics out there, once sugar goes above even 200, we start feeling off, anything above 300, you might as well get a glass of water and call it a day.  Eventually, you have to admit defeat. When I finally admitted defeat, I wasn't sad, I wasn't mad, I just knew I had to make changes, and it started with my routine.    

These realizations weren't big announcements.  In the last 7-8 years, social media has evolved to a point that many probably wouldn't have predicted.  I laughed and immediately dismissed the power of reaching out to other diabetics, something I know enjoy and embrace. I never wanted to be lumped into that category though due to my stubbornness.  Seeing a pattern here?

The fear of low blood sugar turned me into an insomniac, produced frequent mood swings, and a young mind filled with too much doubt and stress.  Oddly enough, for that first year of my diagnosis, I was at peace with everything, I never once even blinked at my diagnosis. After the one year mark, the wheels were loosing up and the direction was fading. Going into year two, winter/spring 2004, the wheels were all the way off and I was holding on for dear life (literally.)  My Dr's at this time were obviously seeing a change in me with a much higher a1c (somewhere in the 8.5-9.5 range), but my anger towards them grew with their generic approach, and a lack of trust unfortunately took over. 

An old friend told me something that always stuck with me during a long conversation one night.  Simple, maybe a bit cliche, but at that moment, damn, it really sunk in.  "This too, shall pass." We weren't the best of friends, and it's probably been 6 years since I've seen him last, but that theme, "this too shall pass," manifested into an approach to life that I've never forgotten.

I am far from a professional, I don't have any advanced degrees in philosophy, psychology or the health field.  A lot of my insights are purely anecdotal, but personal experience has to be taken into consideration with the words I write.  Be aware of your daily habits, your outlook, your mindset, it all comes together.  Write down a note or two everyday, something you liked, maybe something you realized you need to work on, and keep yourself accountable. Oddly enough, life has a unique way of coming together when you pay attention.