Fear developed into Inspiration
While I developed the original idea for Running with Type 1 awhile ago, I wanted to carefully plot how I envisioned this blog coming to fruition. My mind was never wired for mathematics and advanced sciences, but for the random interests and existential thoughts that run through my head, writing has always served as an outlet for my internal shenanigans.
Still under the Facebook spell in 2010, one year before officially deactivating myself from that realm, I had joked in a status update that more people should invest into a journal. It was a serious thought that was taken as a joke, however most people knowing my humor overlooked the rationale from my perspective. In all honesty though, a journal of random thoughts, short stories, even a few sentences about anything and everything, can go a long way. I recently heard in a JRE podcast that autobiographical writing allows the mind to analyze and accept past memories in your life. You gain peace from those moments, and with that peace, you gain wisdom.
Fear is an interesting phenomenon, it's manipulative, confusing, and controlling. We all have fears, some more than others. Some irrational, some totally justified. We've all heard more than once, "fear is a tremendous motivator." What is it about fear that can be so debilitating, or the awe inspiring rush you need? Interesting thoughts that I for sure did not come up with, but rather just expanding upon a time's old sensation we all experience. I've recently developed some stronger feelings about water. I never feared the ocean, a lake, or even the toxic rivers we jumped in as a kid here in Western PA. I guess a few too many Shark Week and Discovery shows finally got the best of me. I experienced a full blown wave of anxiety and heart pounding paranoia as my wife and I attempted to go canoeing in some Naples, Florida inlet in 2013. My visions quickly were consumed by alien size pythons, thanks to the exotic pet trade, creeping alongside my canoe. While semi justified (in my eyes), the fear factor was at max levels during that moment. A very powerful, rather uncomfortable experience.
So, what do we do with fear? Do we just accept the fact that we're wired for a particular fear? Do you push it aside, and just chalk it up as a loss? I believe fear of one thing will almost certainly carry over into another element of your life. The fight or flight response our bodies produce from fear alone should tell us something is off balance. Just as fear can and will manipulate our own thoughts, who's to say we can't figure out the root of our fear, and manipulate that into a positive?
When an individual claims to be fearless, does that mean they're living with reckless abandon, or are they really just that in tune with the world around them? I don't know, maybe it's an act of bravado to cover up their own insecurities, or maybe they're truly fearless. The crazy bastards that run 100 miles and beyond though, through rugged terrain with thousands and thousands of feet of elevation change, that in my eyes would be one example of fearlessness (with a dose of insanity.)
So how do I relate this to myself? My anxiety, like many others, was misunderstood fear. In my quiet time, I began playing back those humbling moments and began to recognize a pattern. They were mostly all moments with low blood sugar, or nights with high blood sugar that left me feeling depressed, and exhausted. I felt as if an aura hovered over me at all times. A lingering sense of fear that some impending blood sugar doom was awaiting me. It left me with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that I couldn't make sense of.
Those moments of fear where my mind and body got the best of me, those moments eventually inspired me. For any chance at a healthy adult life, I needed to take a closer look at my approach. Admitting there are flaws isn't the easy thing to accept. You're only defeated though when you claim ignorance and pretend time doesn't exist. Nobody is invincible, life itself is a test of self, everyday. I now embrace that, I no longer fear that.
Still under the Facebook spell in 2010, one year before officially deactivating myself from that realm, I had joked in a status update that more people should invest into a journal. It was a serious thought that was taken as a joke, however most people knowing my humor overlooked the rationale from my perspective. In all honesty though, a journal of random thoughts, short stories, even a few sentences about anything and everything, can go a long way. I recently heard in a JRE podcast that autobiographical writing allows the mind to analyze and accept past memories in your life. You gain peace from those moments, and with that peace, you gain wisdom.
Fear is an interesting phenomenon, it's manipulative, confusing, and controlling. We all have fears, some more than others. Some irrational, some totally justified. We've all heard more than once, "fear is a tremendous motivator." What is it about fear that can be so debilitating, or the awe inspiring rush you need? Interesting thoughts that I for sure did not come up with, but rather just expanding upon a time's old sensation we all experience. I've recently developed some stronger feelings about water. I never feared the ocean, a lake, or even the toxic rivers we jumped in as a kid here in Western PA. I guess a few too many Shark Week and Discovery shows finally got the best of me. I experienced a full blown wave of anxiety and heart pounding paranoia as my wife and I attempted to go canoeing in some Naples, Florida inlet in 2013. My visions quickly were consumed by alien size pythons, thanks to the exotic pet trade, creeping alongside my canoe. While semi justified (in my eyes), the fear factor was at max levels during that moment. A very powerful, rather uncomfortable experience.
So, what do we do with fear? Do we just accept the fact that we're wired for a particular fear? Do you push it aside, and just chalk it up as a loss? I believe fear of one thing will almost certainly carry over into another element of your life. The fight or flight response our bodies produce from fear alone should tell us something is off balance. Just as fear can and will manipulate our own thoughts, who's to say we can't figure out the root of our fear, and manipulate that into a positive?
When an individual claims to be fearless, does that mean they're living with reckless abandon, or are they really just that in tune with the world around them? I don't know, maybe it's an act of bravado to cover up their own insecurities, or maybe they're truly fearless. The crazy bastards that run 100 miles and beyond though, through rugged terrain with thousands and thousands of feet of elevation change, that in my eyes would be one example of fearlessness (with a dose of insanity.)
So how do I relate this to myself? My anxiety, like many others, was misunderstood fear. In my quiet time, I began playing back those humbling moments and began to recognize a pattern. They were mostly all moments with low blood sugar, or nights with high blood sugar that left me feeling depressed, and exhausted. I felt as if an aura hovered over me at all times. A lingering sense of fear that some impending blood sugar doom was awaiting me. It left me with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that I couldn't make sense of.
Those moments of fear where my mind and body got the best of me, those moments eventually inspired me. For any chance at a healthy adult life, I needed to take a closer look at my approach. Admitting there are flaws isn't the easy thing to accept. You're only defeated though when you claim ignorance and pretend time doesn't exist. Nobody is invincible, life itself is a test of self, everyday. I now embrace that, I no longer fear that.
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